You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
