Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
