I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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