I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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