Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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