I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
