Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
