It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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