Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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