I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
