i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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