I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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