Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
