Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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