A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
