it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
