If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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