Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
