I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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