You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
