I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
