new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
