need another drink. this is the easiest way
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
