At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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