This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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