why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
