So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
