she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
