Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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