I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
