um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
