Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(440): View more from Ohio

so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

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(917): View more from New York City

She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(602): View more from Arizona

By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle

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(650): View more from California

Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter

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