All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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