She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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