It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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