My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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