she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
