Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
