my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
