shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
