and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize