A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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