i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize