I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
