I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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