textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
