Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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