He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
