yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
