We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
