Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
