you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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