so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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