Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
