it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
