Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
