I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
